Draw a laugh, then draw the line

The art of setting vegan boundaries with naysayers

"Grass. Pocket lindt. Farts".

That's what I say my children eat when I get horrified expressions and pointed questions. Disarming a conversation grenade with a laugh always works.

It's so odd how everyone accepts the job of parents is to make choices for children until they can for themselves. Raising kids with all manner of habits and beliefs is fine until dead animals are off the table - literally- then suddenly many folks are all a fluster.

We’ve all had the comments. The genuine questions, the thoughtless remarks and the pointed jabs. Feeling 'attacked'. If you’re raising a vegan child, my bet is you’re also needing to raise your voice. Often with family and friends, those serving your kid's lunch plate. Needing to respond can get a bit boring, but advocating for our children is the main MO of parenting and as vegans, we also choose to advocate for animals and the planet.

We all have to find our own ‘voice’ that works for us, but I find humour is the most effective way I clap back without (too much) attitude. It's hard to listen when feeling wound up or aggressive, so laughter calms the vegan farm and helps everyone drop their defences a bit. Plus by making the light-hearted quips myself, it keeps me from being the punchline because now I'm in control of the narrative. Pro-tip. Once the awkward giggle is out of the way, I give a short but informative proper answer and hopefully, I've upped my chances of actually being heard.

It's one thing to head off a muppety comment with a joke, but it’s another to successfully navigate ongoing relationships with non-vegans where the kids are involved. Family can already be complicated without adding ethical differences which play out in everyday choices.

It can be uncomfortable, but it's up to us to communicate rules early, clearly, and consistently. In having this potentially tricky conversation with unsupportive people, I recommend “I” statements. Making the (vegan) boundaries about yourself and your feelings takes the focus off the details. “Mum, I understand you don’t agree with Little Love being raised vegan, that's ok, but I need you to please stick to our rules for the kids. It would be upsetting to me if you did give animal foods, as it would damage our relationship. I value that I can trust you to respect my choices as their Mum, even if you don't see it the same way. I imagine you didn’t do everything Gran did? I’m so glad we don’t let the details of our food views cause an unnecessary problem between us. Thanks for recognising this is important to me”. Lay all the feelings out in daylight. Indirectness is the breeding ground for misunderstanding, so don't give it the chance.

It can be a lottery what kind of reception you get to a clearly, kindly stated vegan boundaries. Ideally, the people in your life are willing to get with the programme while socialising, even if they can't wait to change the proverbial channel once you've gone home!

In the event of further pushback, I reach for short and sweet. Statements that don't invite further negotiation. Phrases I’ve deployed in the past include, "We’re doing what all parents are; making the choices we think are best for her. And just like everyone else, she will decide for herself eventually.". "I hear you are concerned, thanks, but I feel secure in our choices. Raising our vegan kiddo is supported by the WHO. Our GP and Well Child provider say little mate is thriving, so we’re good thanks." "I appreciate this isn’t the same choice you'd make, but that’s ok. I need you to please respect my right to parent how I like, as you do yours."

If there's genuine concern for adolescent health and development, remember the bias in mainstream nutrition education and cut people a break. Offer to share some information supporting healthy vegan kids. Perhaps it's worry over being able to cater for vegan children? Assure family you've got food covered, fill the freezer and buy a haul of snacks to leave at Grandma's. Offer to recipe share.

Still getting sass, despite your best-intentioned efforts? I opt to quit pushing water uphill with a rake. I don't leave my kids unsupervised with anyone unsupportive of our choices and don't take the bait with further combative comments about veganism.

I also highly recommend dousing scepticism with deliciousness. Laughter is my first tactical line to deploy, and treats are the second. It's much harder to stay annoyed while eating cake. And that goes for both you as the possibly frustrated vegan, and your bemused and perplexed Aunt. Have the confidence to insist on a sidestep of the dead animals and find the foods that unite.

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